My husband no longer desires me, but engaging an escort has complicated things | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I’m 55 and, after being a dutiful wife for 30 years, my sex drive declined after a traumatic hysterectomy eight years ago. My husband was patient and kind throughout. I love him dearly, but sex was never really the same afterwards, which I attribute to the surgery.

I’ve now been through menopause and suddenly find my libido returning. However, my husband no longer desires me due to weight gain. He can’t maintain an erection for long, and is very critical of my sexual performance. He’s seen a doctor, but nothing came of it, and he refuses couples counselling.

Other than sex, we are very happy. This year, though, I engaged a male escort to address the lack of sex. I thought this would be a good solution, but he has caught feelings for me. He is slightly younger, and the chemistry is off the charts. I am aware this is the service he provides, but he blurs the boundaries so much that even he says it feels real.

I broke it off with him abruptly recently as I couldn’t deal with my feelings for him. He was kind, but posts on his social media about it, making indirect references to me. I feel ridiculous being in this position at my age. How can I navigate the situation I find myself in?

I understand how you must feel and the traumatic medical history (the effects of which can’t be overestimated), but are you in a consensual open marriage? You seem quite blase about how this may affect your husband. You say he’s been critical of your sexual performance (not acceptable), but also that he’s patient and kind, and that you love him.

I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Katherine Cavallo, who said: “You say that outside the bedroom you and your husband love each other and are happy. However, navigating things in this way is playing with fire relationally. Sexless periods in a 30-year marriage are normal and incredibly common. Changes in patterns of sexual intimacy are part and parcel of long-term relationships, but navigating them can feel challenging.”

It sounds as if you and your husband have navigated a lot, but this is a faultline. “When the rhythm of intimacy is disrupted, reaching out to a partner again starts to feel daunting and emotionally risky,” said Cavallo. “You start asking yourself: Do they still want me? Will I be rejected?”

You already feel rejected by your husband criticising your performance. “He is dealing with erectile difficulties,” said Cavallo, “which are so common in middle age, compounded by shame and insecurity. When he criticises your performance or your weight, it’s often the shame talking – it’s easier to push you away than face his fears of failure.”

Cavallo described the male escort as a “short-term fix. You’re right to question the validity of your feelings [and, I would add, the escort’s]. The intoxicating effects of limerence can be powerful, but these feelings are fuelled by novelty and unlikely to last.”

You need to talk to your husband. “Focus,” said Cavallo, “on what you’ve missed about each other, and when you’re ready to try again, I’d suggest taking things slowly. Take intercourse off the menu initially, shift the focus away from performance, and back to pleasure and shared enjoyment.”

Will this be easy? Nope. Continuing with the escort is fun in a “you only live once” way. And if you were single (and maybe you want to be?) that would be perfectly acceptable. You and your husband met when you were very different people. It’s time to catch up with who you both are now, and work out if you want to do the next stage of life together, or separately.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.