I’m in my late 30s and have a beautiful two-year-old boy and a supportive husband. But when I take my son out I feel like a rejected teenager again, surrounded by groups taking their kids out together.
I had friends when I was younger, but moved schools as a teenager and was badly bullied. It affected my confidence to the point I was painfully shy through most of university. I thought I was ugly, stupid, unlikable and found it hard to make friends. Then I moved to London, where it was also hard to make friends.
I found some help with counselling and anti-anxiety medication but I still find it incredibly difficult to trust people.
Since having my child a lot of my friends have drifted off. I made some new friends in NCT but they seem to have drifted off too. I think some of them keep in touch with each other.
I am becoming convinced that I have a beacon over my head that says “faulty”. It’s either that or I simply don’t understand the big secret of friendships and friendship groups, and am always missing out on them. I wish someone would tell me what it is about myself that is so off-putting, because then I would try to fix it.
I wonder if it would surprise you to hear this is the number one problem I get at the moment: how to make friends? It may puncture the bubble that everyone else has a successful social network. What you see in the playground and other places isn’t necessarily friendship but people standing together talking. Also what you went through as a teenager was tough, and I’m sorry. Research shows that bullying can have a lasting effect.
Is your counselling continuing and has it helped you process the bullying? This is important.
It was the first thing UKCP psychotherapist Lisa Bruton picked up on. “I never underplay the impact of bullying. It can really shape how we see people, especially groups, as bullying often takes place within a group, and this can influence whether we expect groups to be safe or unsafe. When you go into a playground it feels as if you are there as your teenage, not adult self. We can get developmentally stuck back in a time when certain things happened to us. What would have helped you as a teen and can you find ways of procuring this for yourself as an adult?”
Bruton also highlights how friendship building can often become romanticised. Social media, TV and films show a snapshot of friendships: people always there for each other, hanging out, having brunch. The reality is far from this: people cancelling, sometimes letting their friends down, falling out.
She wondered if you could give yourself “positive experiences of groups that don’t have to be mum groups”. I think you’d do well (and this is one of my top “making friends” tips) in groups of mixed ages – it won’t remind you so much of school. Bruton also wondered if you find yourself in groups, “If you could hook in on a slightly ‘safer’ person.” I think we all do this naturally when approaching a group. “Could you also sometimes socialise with your partner if he’s a safer person for you?”
You are not faulty. In a few years your son will start school and you’ll twice daily be in a playground if you do the school run. Just because your children go to the same school doesn’t mean you’ll have loads in common with everyone but it will give you the chance to make small progressions into friendship every day. It will also give you a chance to work out if you like them. Remember: not everyone will be good enough for YOU.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
