My partner’s mother dominates him and it makes me feel helpless | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

I’m in my 30s and have been living in Spain for a decade. My partner is Spanish and we have lived together for a year.

The bond he has with his mum sometimes makes me feel angry, jealous and helpless. I’m aware that, culturally, Spanish people often have closer bonds with their families and I try to accept that. He is an only child and his father left his family when he was a teenager and started another. I feel my partner has developed an unhealthy and codependent relationship with his mum.

His mum often says things such as “I never see you,” which feels manipulative. After he spends time with her, he will sometimes be more loving towards me, which makes me feel weird. I don’t know if we can build a life together because it seems he is still so emotionally attached to her.

He doesn’t admit there is a dependency and I find it hard to describe my feelings because he gets defensive. I end up feeling like I’m making a big deal of it. Can you help me find some clarity to handle this?

If something is causing you angst please don’t minimise it by thinking you are making it a big deal. I think most people would be upset by this. But you are right to say there is a strong cultural element.

I went to the UKCP-accredited psychotherapist and social worker Jason Maldonado-Page, who is from a southern European background, to help us unpick this.

“You’re navigating this system from the outside, in a different country, with different cultural norms and without the fullness of their shared history,” he says. “Feeling unsure of your place as a couple is an understandable response.”

It’s important to remember that all couples, regardless of background, compare familial upbringings and traditions and “try to decide what is normal”, says Maldonado-Page. Being Italian, I found quite a lot of differences and difficulties between me and my English husband in terms of our family dynamics.

“You are,” says Maldonado-Page, “stepping into a family system with its own history, losses and loyalties, while trying to build a partnership that feels anchored. As an only child whose father left during adolescence, he may have grown up feeling responsible for his mother’s emotional world. In many families that closeness is not only typical but expected. None of that makes your discomfort any less real, but it may explain why he becomes defensive – you’re touching a bond that has been central to his sense of safety for a long time.”

In terms of becoming more affectionate after interacting with his mum, Maldonado-Page says this pattern can “develop when someone feels caught between two important relationships. It may be less about her influencing than him trying to regulate his anxiety or repair tension.”

He suggests “thinking together about the expectations and beliefs you grew up with around closeness and loyalty” – this can help you see each other’s differing points of view. How can you set boundaries without rejecting his mum? What parts of his relationship with her feel meaningful and which feel heavy? And also, if things get heated, “pre-empt the spiral, agree to pause and reflect later”.

“It may help to see this as a pattern all three of you are caught in,” says Maldonado-Page. “The task is not to break his bond with his mother but to reshape it so that your couple relationship has space to grow.”

He recommends trying to move away from viewing his mother as invasive and to think more about what strengthens you as a couple. Just don’t make him choose between you both – that rarely leads to harmony.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.