A childhood sexual abuse allegation has rocked our family – what can we do about it? | Ask Annalisa Barbieri

A young adult woman in our family has recently shared that her older male cousin once touched her inappropriately when she was aged six and he was aged 12. This happened 18 years ago. Then a second incident allegedly occurred eight years later.

She shared the story with her parents this year and the information was then shared with her cousin and other family members. He stated that he cannot recall either incident.

The young woman’s parents have raised whether her cousin is a now a threat to young children in the family. The parents were both victims of sexual abuse when they were children, which adds to the horror.

The story has completely shattered the entire wider family, which was once close. The young woman said she does not want an investigation. She has been encouraged to engage with counselling but has so far declined. Her cousin is accessing psychological support following mental health issues.

The whole family is appalled by the situation, the main concern being the young woman’s safety. Can you please advise on how we support them both – and help to repair the relationships. Or is this how it will be?

It’s excellent you are trying to move forward and not do as many do and try to sweep sexual abuse against a child under the carpet. I need to make it clear that any sexual behaviour towards a child is illegal and incredibly harmful.

I spoke to Rachel Haynes, head of young people’s services at the Lucy Faithfull Foundation about your letter. She recognised this was a “complex situation” and had real empathy for you and your family.

“First and foremost is to think about the safety, physical and emotional, of the young woman. What’s important in these situations is to take things at her pace,” she said. “Often when people have experienced sexual harm, agency and choice has been taken away.”

People must not say the survivor has to report the perpetrator, which heaps all sorts of responsibilities on them and repeats taking away that agency. “Positioning her at the centre of this,” said Haynes, “is important. Giving her safe places to talk and mirroring her language can help her feel heard.”

We also must think about the potential for further risk with any young people in the older male cousin’s orbit. You didn’t say much more about him. Given the young woman’s parents’ history of being abused, I wonder who else has been sexually abused in the family.

There was a significant gap in ages between the male relative and the young woman – a “significant power difference” as Haynes put it. A huge proportion (30-50%) of child sexual abuse happens between children. “There’s an assumption,” explained Haynes, “that harm displayed between children is less harmful and that’s not the case. Sexual harm of any form is incredibly damaging and can have lasting impact.”

There’s no getting around that this will affect your family, but this can be managed by what happens next. Haynes recommended you contact the Lucy Faithfull Foundation’s Stop It Now helpline or the National Association for People Abused in Childhood (details below). Stop It Now can help you and your family come up with a “family safety plan” where you talk around the risks involved and think through areas such as whether the man should have unsupervised contact with children in the family. “It’s not about demonising him,” explained Haynes, “but about keeping people safe.”

The helpline would also talk the woman through what would happen if she ever does decide to report it to the police. Separately they can help the man, too.

Perhaps someone in the family could take a lead role in organising this. But it’s vital no one takes the power away from the young woman involved.
Names have been changed

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.

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