Curiosity, atonement or a score to settle? Why – and how – people get through their high school reunions

Mike walked into his 20th high school reunion with a mission. The 40-year-old firefighter from Melbourne was not the first, nor will he be the last, to enter such a space with an agenda. After all, few social situations are as fraught as high school reunions.

Some may relish the chance to reconnect with former friends, a former life and even a former self, but for many they are a potential hellscape, where adolescent humiliations are revived in front of a group of rapidly ageing peers.

Mike, who attended an all-boys’ school in Melbourne’s comfortable eastern suburbs, belonged to the latter group. Though he wasn’t there for vengeance. He was there to apologise. For years, he’d felt regret about the homophobic bullying a friend had faced at school. Although Mike never targeted the boy himself, he “always felt guilty about not doing enough”.

He knew he couldn’t change the past, but he hoped to clear his conscience and apologise for not intervening.

The pair did connect, and atonements were made. Mike, though, left with new laments. “It was a fumbly conversation that ended up with him consoling me about not having to feel guilty. I felt like a bit of a dick, accidentally getting an old friend who’d experienced genuinely horrific bullying to walk me through my feelings.”

Still, as far as reunion stories go, Mike’s had a happy ending, as the old friends reconnected over a few drinks.

Despite the unavoidable anxiety, school reunions can be a space for reflection, joy and even closure. But if you’d rather not wind up being consoled by a traumatised former friend beside the cheese platter, preparing in advance may help.

• Sign up for the fun stuff with our rundown of must-reads, pop culture and tips for the weekend, every Sunday morning

Should you even go?

“No one is ever obligated to attend a reunion,” says psychologist Sahra O’Doherty.

If you find yourself going back and forth, she suggests writing a list of pros, but not cons. “Our brains might gravitate to the more negative potential outcomes, but consciously thinking about and writing down positive outcomes can be helpful.”

Margie recently returned from her 60th high school reunion. The former pupil of a small, close-knit girls’ school is a fan of these events “because it’s an easy way to meet up with several classmates at the same venue”, but says attending once doesn’t need to be a lifetime RSVP. She has skipped decades when she hasn’t had the time, “or there are work and family commitments”.

It’s natural for reunions to trigger existential questions about how our lives have turned out. “Feeling anxious about being enough and potentially judged against invisible standards is sadly not an unusual experience,” says psychologist and author Amberley Meredith.

Some of that judgment may depend on your phase of life, says personal development and behaviour etiquette expert Jo Hayes. “At the 10-year reunion, you’ll be 28-ish, some [peers] may be married but many won’t. There won’t be as much stress if you’re not happily married with three kids. But you might feel more pressure at your 20th.” So if you’re mid midlife crisis when you receive that 20th invitation, it might be worth giving that year a miss. Wait for a decade when divorce and ill parents will replace baby and mortgage talk.

If you decide not to go, O’Doherty says: “Stand by both yourself and your decision.” Even if you experience some fear of missing out, you made a considered choice that was right for you at the time, she says.

Small talk and reintroductions

Since hunger is stressful in its own right, etiquette expert Jodie Bache-Mclean suggests having something to eat before arrival. She also recommends enlisting social and sartorial support. “Arrange to arrive with someone. Have a look at the attendee list if you can, prepare a few conversation starters and wear something that makes you feel confident. A little homework is helpful, a full social media investigation is not.”

Arts worker Rachel considered how she wanted to be perceived, and how she wanted to feel, walking into her 10-year reunion. “I intentionally dressed a certain way, not like crazy out there; but where I might have previously felt a need to conform to a certain code, I just dressed like myself.”

It might be tempting to slip in late, but Hayes sees the awkward start as an opportunity. “Arrive when most people do, in the first 20 to 30 minutes, so you can all feel a bit nervous together.”

For Mike, snacks provided an immediate lifeboat. “I pretty quickly fell in at the food table with a really funny dude who I always really liked but never got to the point of keeping in touch with after school … We navigated the awkward first stage of it together, and I think we were both thankful to have each other for that.”

If you’re still feeling nervous, “a glass of wine may help, four may not!” says Bache-Mclean.

When making reintroductions, it’s OK to have forgotten a few names and faces. “Be honest, but kind. Say, ‘I’m so sorry, my memory is taking a moment. Please remind me of your name,’” says Bache-Mclean. She suggests offering your own name too, so it becomes a mutual exchange rather than an indictment of how memorable the other person is.

If conversation stalls, make it about them. “People love talking about themselves – it makes them feel seen and valued when someone asks them questions,” says Hayes. As for what to say about yourself: “Share what you’ve done, but aim for humility. No one likes a boaster, especially at a high school reunion.”

Big talks and reckonings

At Rachel’s reunion, “there was a sense of warmth with some people, and some people were very standoffish”.

“There were people who I had been friends with 10 years ago, but now because of differences in religion, lifestyle, me not being married with children, there was a coldness.” To her surprise, “it didn’t really make me feel bad”, she says. “It made me feel affirmed in my choices.”

She also noticed that, in adulthood, she had new things in common with other classmates. Speaking to a group of former acquaintances, she learned that many had been diagnosed with ADHD since graduating. “It was kind of like, ‘Oh yeah, we all could have figured that one out if we knew what that was back then.’”

When Peter, a teacher, left his small, conservative religious high school 10 years ago, he hadn’t planned to keep in touch. Still, curiosity about the “odd” people brought him back for the reunion. “I was interested to see what their lives ended up looking like after school.”

When facing “the kid who’d bullied me fairly consistently”, he found unexpected catharsis. His old tormenter was still with the same person he was dating in high school – and still had the same haircut. “Except now he’s almost 30 and is balding.”

If you want to address events from the past, O’Doherty cautions against getting heated. “Your aim should only be to express yourself and how you felt at the time.

“If you are looking for an apology or an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, be prepared not to receive it. We can only control our own behaviours, and cannot control theirs.”

If things start getting out of hand, Meredith says, “the not-so-subtle approach is you just ignore them and walk off”.

“[Or] start waving madly at no one and say, ‘I’m sorry, I just have to go and talk to Candice.’ That’s especially effective if there was no Candice in the year, as they’ll be trying to figure out who the hell Candice is all night.”

Meanwhile, if you know deep down you might have been the cause of someone else’s adolescent trauma and could be about to face your own confrontation, Bache-Mclean suggests peaceful resolution: “Offer a genuine apology, no excuses and no ‘if you were offended’.”

Just don’t expect every interaction to go well. Like Mike, Peter was still haunted by concerns for his only openly queer classmate. He had already messaged this peer a few years earlier to apologise and express good wishes, so Peter went into the reunion looking forward to reconnecting in person.

Peter hoped they might bond over shared feelings of being an outsider. “I saw at the reunion that he’d brought his husband and was doing really well, which was cool,” he says. “Except it turned out that he’s actually super racist … I didn’t understand how to square that with everything else that I knew about him.”

After the reunion

Whether you got resolution or just the ick, it’s normal to have mixed feelings after such an emotionally charged event.

Despite some awkwardness, Mike left his reunion with a fresh perspective on the past. “One of my biggest takeaways was just how incredible the school was, and how lucky and taken for granted my childhood must have been. After growing up, leaving that bubble and experiencing the world, I was blown away at how amazing the place actually was and how I couldn’t see that when I was living it. I didn’t expect any of that.”

Though a lifelong regular, Margie says: “I’ve decided the 60th is my last. I’m not sure I want to be making all that effort when I’m 81 or 86. Let’s be realistic!”

She also says the experience has become increasingly bittersweet. “I noticed this time that one or two of the girls were losing it a bit. I felt sad for them. But there were also some girls who were 10 or more years older and still going strong. That was an example to follow.

“We all left saying ‘carpe diem’, and feeling thankful for our good physical and mental health.”