New Year’s resolutions usually fall by the wayside, but there is a better approach to making real changes

How are your New Year’s resolutions going? If you’ve given up on them, you’re not alone.

Every January, people across the world seek a fresh start and set goals for the year to improve their health and quality of life. Dry January and new gym memberships accompany a desire to shake off the stress and holiday pounds.

But research shows that resolutions typically don’t last. As a practicing psychologist and professor of counseling psychology, I have seen many people start off the new year with lofty self-improvement goals, only to become frustrated and give up early into the new year.

This happens so frequently that popular media has even coined the name “Quitter’s Day” for the second Friday in January –when most people have given up on their resolutions.

However, there is a way to continue your self-improvement goals and find success by making changes that offer incremental rewards instead of frustration. My students and clients are consistently surprised by how small actions and practices bring about big rewards. Below are a few manageable and meaningful practices to adopt that can last well after the new year’s motivation fades.

Why don’t resolutions work?

Most New Year’s resolutions tend to be restrictive or rely on willpower, such as eliminating alcohol and sugar from your diet, or exercising every morning.

The problem is that these types of commitments force us to do something we don’t really want to do. And success takes time: It can take more than six weeks before improvements from exercise become apparent.

It comes as no surprise, then, that these goals are often short-lived and unsuccessful in the long term – it is hard to be successful when we are battling ourselves to do things that don’t come naturally, without immediate rewards. In reality, people prefer immediate gratification and simultaneously tend to downplay the benefit of waiting for longer-term rewards.

Be kind – to yourself

We are often much nicer to our friends, and even to strangers, than we are to ourselves.

Kristin Neff, a psychologist and leader in self-compassion research, teaches that by mindfully quieting our inner critic and being as compassionate to ourselves as we would be to a friend, we can significantly improve our well-being.

Research shows that people who practice being their own partner or teammate – rather than an opponent – feel happier and more confident. The rewards from this type of self-compassion can be seen and felt faster than the results of diet and exercise, and can help us make better choices in multiple aspects of our daily lives.

In my personal and professional life, I have seen people succeed most often when they change how they relate to themselves. In other words, instead of being intensely critical of our emotions and what we are thinking, we are able to be gentler with our experience and be more accepting of our own thoughts and feelings. When we receive these emotional rewards, we feel relief and happiness – payoffs that make it far easier to enthusiastically repeat the pattern.

Engaging in this kind of self-compassion also allows us to better cope with stress and our emotions.

Small shifts in gratitude and outward kindness go a long way

Another evidence-based way to improve overall well-being is to focus on the what’s going well for you and what you are grateful for – in the moment, or more broadly, in your life.

Instead of focusing on whether you succeeded on your initial resolutions, try journaling three good things at the end of each day. In doing so, focus less on the big successes – though they count, too – and instead on the small moments you enjoyed, such as the hug from a friend, the quiet moment with coffee or the smile from a stranger.

Practice random acts of kindness to boost mood and well-being. Reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while or buy coffee for a stranger in the coffee shop. These activities provide an emotional boost that can last for hours, if not days.

Making these small shifts can help stave off the stress and guilt that can thwart your self-improvement goals.

Mindful eating

The well-known practice of mindfulness encourages paying attention – without judgment – to the present moment.

Research shows that taking time to slow down and savor the moment has substantial physical and psychological benefits, such as lowering stress and improving focus, among others. In fact, mindfulness even has the power to change brain connections, leading to greater control over our emotions.

This approach can also be applied to meal-time and diet, a popular focus of New Year’s resolutions. Using the practice of mindfulness can also help us shift from a judgmental and restrictive view of food to a focus on enjoyment and savoring.

So instead of eliminating certain foods or thinking of foods as either good or bad, slow down and savor your food. This can look like taking a moment to take in what your food looks and smells like, and chewing your food slowly, noticing the taste and texture – like a wine-tasting experience but with your meal.

My clients often tell me how eating more mindfully helped change their relationship with food. One client said that instead of thinking about how much she was eating, she instead experienced how much she liked the taste of her meal and the sense of fullness when she felt she had eaten enough.

So perhaps this year, instead of focusing on willpower or restriction, choose connection with yourself and others instead.

Doing so will improve your happiness and your overall well-being, long after the New Year’s resolutions fade.