A partner’s touch can feel unsafe for people with a history of childhood maltreatment

In romantic relationships, touch is usually considered a part of everyday life: a quick back rub while cooking dinner, a hug after a long day at work or a lingering kiss before falling asleep. It’s a simple way to show support, express affection and communicate sexual desire.

Yet for some — especially among those who experienced childhood maltreatment — a partner’s touch can trigger discomfort, anxiety or even avoidance.

Our previous research revealed that childhood maltreatment, including neglect and sexual, physical and emotional abuse, can have lasting effects on adult romantic relationships and sexuality. Yet, we knew little about one overlooked aspect of intimacy: touch.

A partner’s touch can seem harmless, but people with a history of childhood maltreatment may experience it differently. Understanding these reactions helps explain some of the intimacy and sexual difficulties reported by couples years after the abuse.

When touch feels threatening

Childhood maltreatment affects approximately 35 to 40 per cent of adults in Canada. Some of our recent research has shown that because childhood maltreatment happens within relationships that are supposed to feel safe, victims may come to associate closeness, vulnerability or physical contact with fear, uncertainty or loss of control.

In our first study, we examined whether negative reactions to touch might help explain the association between childhood maltreatment and sexual difficulties in adulthood. Among 363 adult couples, we examined touch aversion, the tendency to experience a partner’s touch as unpleasant, irritating or emotionally overwhelming.

We found that childhood maltreatment was associated with greater touch aversion, which in turn was linked to lower sexual desire and higher sexual distress. Importantly, both members of the couple were affected. Partners of people who reported greater touch aversion also experienced more sexual distress themselves.

This finding isn’t surprising. For many couples, touch serves as a bridge between emotional and sexual intimacy. A hug or a kiss often creates opportunities for connection long before sexual activity begins. When touch becomes uncomfortable rather than comforting, it may become more difficult for couples to use physical intimacy as a way of connecting sexually.

Sexual desire may decline, distress may increase for both partners as tension arises, and partners may feel rejected and sexually frustrated.

Our findings suggest that how partners experience touch may be one factor that contributes to sexual difficulties in couples reporting childhood maltreatment.

The type of touch matters

The meaning we assign to touch is not only influenced by the context, but also by our previous experiences, our expectations and our sense of safety. For those with a childhood maltreatment history, different forms of touch may therefore carry different emotional meanings.

In our most recent study, we wanted to go further and understand whether people with a childhood maltreatment history react differently depending on the type of touch involved.

We asked the same 363 adult couples to read vignettes depicting scenarios of everyday interactions with their romantic partner and to report how they would feel, react and interpret this potential interaction. Depending on the condition to which the couples were assigned, these scenarios involved affectionate touch, sexual touch or no touch at all.

Read more:
Major study reveals two-thirds of people who suffer childhood maltreatment suffer more than one kind

The findings were more nuanced than we expected. People with a history of childhood sexual abuse imagined feeling more distress, and wanting to pull away, when picturing sexual touch from a partner. In contrast, they anticipated less avoidance when imagining affectionate touch.

Our first study suggested that people with a childhood trauma history may simply dislike touch. However, the findings from our second study point to a more complex picture. The challenge may not be touch itself, but rather the meaning attached to the different types of touch.

Sexual touch may activate fear, hypervigilance or memories related to past trauma. Affectionate touch, however, may feel safer because it is not necessarily associated with sexual expectations. It may even provide opportunities to help rebuild intimacy.

From withdrawal to rebuilding trust

When a partner pulls away from touch, it’s easy to interpret that reaction as rejection. In some cases, however, the response may reflect past childhood trauma rather than current feelings toward the partner or the relationship.

Understanding the distinction can help couples approach these moments with greater empathy and less blame.

This does not mean that people with a childhood maltreatment history do not want sexual intimacy or that touch should be avoided. Rather, it may be helpful for couples to recognize that different forms of touch are related to different responses.

For example, for individuals with a childhood sexual abuse history, affectionate touch that is not tied to sexual expectations may offer a unique opportunity to foster feelings of safety, trust and connection between partners.

Affectionate touch, a sense of emotional safety and consensual physical intimacy may help create experiences of closeness that feel less threatening than overtly sexual interactions for these individuals. For some couples, rebuilding intimacy may start with feeling comfortable enough to appreciate and enjoy touch.