My boyfriend of eight years, who is 44, has ADHD and runs his own business. He’s always struggled with admin and mundane tasks, but AI has revolutionised how he works. Now I’m worried he can’t seem to do anything without AI. He is a heavy ChatGPT user and uses it even when there’s a better non-AI alternative (eg he’ll ask it for train times rather than using Trainline, even though it’s less accurate). He just got his ChatGPT Wrapped and he’s in the top 0.3% of users worldwide.
I worry about his ability to think independently, as well as the environmental impact. I know it’s a useful tool for him at work, but he uses it for everything in life.
I’m very aware I can come across as quite naggy, and his ADHD can make him obsessive. I’d love some advice on how to approach this with him .
Running a business can be stressful, and although your boyfriend’s ADHD may be a factor, I wonder if he is anxious anyway and if his use of AI is a symptom rather than the cause.
I took your letter to consultant clinical psychologist and psychoanalyst Dr Stephen Blumenthal and Henry Shelford, CEO of ADHD UK.
Blumenthal wondered if we are “on the verge of a new diagnostic category of ‘chatbot overdependence syndrome’ as we head into an age in which we become increasingly reliant on AI. When used judiciously, AI aids us, but it could have disastrous consequences if we become dependent on it and lose the capacity for ordinary functioning.
“Someone with ADHD has a shorter attention span, difficulty focusing and a reduced capacity to plan and think ahead, so AI is a perfect fit, which is why it can be so helpful. The downside is that there is a greater propensity to become overdependent on it.”
Shelford wondered if your boyfriend was struggling anyway, and if the AI provided a useful “flotation aid”? “AI can take you down a rabbit hole,” he said, “but it can also support you and help you structure your thoughts, schedule stuff and get things done.”
Your boyfriend’s use of AI seems to go beyond this. It’s as if he’s doubting himself, and that can be pernicious.
Blumenthal says: “Problems arise when your use of AI goes beyond satisfying the problem you wish to resolve. It feels as if a relationship with it has started to develop, and you imbue it with human qualities, a projection of our own wishes and desires for validation and care.”
What to do? You’re right not to nag, which rarely solves anything, because it just becomes noise. As with all tender and difficult conversations, pick your moment when you’re both calm.
Shelford recommended asking your boyfriend, “‘What are you getting out of it? Why is this tool such a big deal and what are the gaps it’s filling?’ Then look to see if there are better solutions or better ways to use it.”
Blumenthal thought: “as with any overdependence syndrome, there first needs to be recognition that there is a problem. It’s easy to become critical of the person who’s struggling, but that’s only likely to cause them to withdraw further into dependency. The case must be made compassionately, recognising that being without the scaffold of ChatGPT probably feels like a threat.”
The good news is that, unlike the generation now growing up with AI, your boyfriend has a track record of functioning well without it. Hopefully he can be reminded of that and find a place where AI augments the abilities he already has. But it sounds as if he’s anxious and I think the cause has to be found so you can both move forward.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
