I’m engaged. My sister is single and feels ‘behind’. What can I say to that? | Leading questions

I’m engaged and my sister is single and feels “behind”. Lately she mentioned how the people in her life (me included) going through milestone moments triggers her. She even got upset and admitted she was worried she’d never have kids. What can I say to that? How do you comfort someone who wants the things you have or might have soon?

She has felt behind for a long time, and I’ve had many a conversation with her when she’s got upset about still living at home, still not having the career she wants, etc. But she is still in the same situation, and my empathy is running low. Especially now I know my engagement is triggering for her! I deserve to feel happy during my wedding planning era but after she told me how she felt, I feel guilty for being happy.

I guess my question is: do I tiptoe around her and avoid wedding talk or should she just put a smile on her face and talk to her friend about her triggers? I hate to say it but my mental load is preferring the latter.

Eleanor says: Why are the options that you tiptoe around or she puts a smile on her face?

In what you wrote there seems to be a tight connection between how she feels and how you’d have to respond; if something you do makes her feel bad, you have to feel guilty or tiptoe around and constrain yourself. But does she impose that connection between how she feels and your obligation to tiptoe, or do you?

It’s one thing if she sighs and sulks and expects her bad feeling to be prioritised over your good one. She absolutely has responsibilities to be restrained and socially sensitive about where and how often she brings this up. Repeatedly puncturing happy moments like dress fittings or site visits by changing the subject back to her is a way of demanding that she be prioritised, and that isn’t right in this joyful and exciting time for you.

But it’s another thing if in a private, non-wedding moment, she said she feels this way. There’s an important difference between expressing a feeling and expecting help with it, or blaming others for it. The fact she feels sad around important life milestones does not by itself imply that you need to fix her sadness, shouldn’t have these milestones or that you shouldn’t be happy. It’s just a feeling. It’s really important not to interpret reports of feelings as an accusation or an expectation – for both your sakes.

For yours, because it will make you feel like it’s your job to run around patching up other people’s emotional lives and reshaping yourself to fit their feelings, and you’re right, that’s not fair. It’s not your fault that her life isn’t where she wants it to be. It’s not your fault.

It’s also important for her sake. If we can’t keep other people’s feelings separate from our obligations, we can get cross with those people for “burdening” us, when all they think they’re doing is having a feeling. Their feelings can become a way of harming you, which in turn imposes an obligation on them to change: “Because I feel so responsible for your feelings, I can’t be around them at all.” So now they have to reshape themselves to fit our feelings.

It’s so hard to break the connection between “things about my life make my loved ones sad” and “I should feel bad about doing those things”. When we’re feeling guilty on someone else’s behalf, it can help to try to remember how things look from their perspective. Maybe they wouldn’t want that either. Plausibly, your sister doesn’t want you not to have a joyful wedding, or a family – she just wants those things too.

I don’t know if that’s what’s happening here. She could be saying this to skillfully extract attention and reassurance in what should be your time. If so, a stern word from a third party and a strict policy of not giving her what she’s fishing for might be the way to go.

But if all she has done is share her worries in a private moment, the joint project for the two of you might be to separate her feelings from the verdict that they’re yours to fix.

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