My partner’s obnoxious conduct at our sons’ football matches is putting me off him | Annalisa Barbieri

My partner and I have been together for 25 years and we have two sons, aged 14 and 16. Both are football crazy and have played since they were very young. My partner’s competitive nature was one of the things I initially found attractive about him (I wanted someone with drive).

However, this side of him rears its ugly head when our kids play matches. He shouts, criticises and, worst of all, swears at teenagers. I’m so embarrassed by it and it’s also affecting the boys. Their teammates hear their dad and it’s creating tension. I’ve tried to speak to him about it but he brushes it off. Our boys and the coaches have spoken to him too, but to no avail.

It may sound extreme, but I feel as if I’m falling out of love with him over this. How can I be with someone who shows no respect for his children, their friends and teammates, let alone coaches and referees? I feel he’s being selfish and if he can’t behave decently at matches he simply shouldn’t go.

I don’t think it sounds extreme – it’s a really unattractive side to your partner. This isn’t competitiveness, it’s him being an arsehole and I sincerely hope he doesn’t act like this in other areas of his life.

I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Lucy Fuller. We were both interested in the “why now, why here” aspect of this. You say your boys have played since they were young; has he always shouted at them or is this a more recent, or increasing, behaviour?

“Your partner needs to reflect on the suitability of his behaviour,” said Fuller. “I wonder if his experience of being supported/encouraged was by being ‘shouted at’ from the sidelines? Could this be his only model of what support looks like? His own ego and competitiveness are flooding the situation and it’s not appropriate here.”

Have you tried talking to him away from the sidelines when everyone is calm? What does this bring up in him? What was his adolescence like, specifically when he was the age his sons are now? “When your children reach a certain age, sometimes it triggers feelings in you,” said Fuller. And these feelings may take a little unearthing.

We also wondered what he’s like in other areas of his life. “Is this situation a reflection of his attitude to life and his position within it as a whole?” Fuller asked. “He would benefit from some help reflecting on how others perceive him. Maybe this way of behaving has worked for him in other situations?”

Fuller also felt that at the heart of this was frustration – but “at what” is the key. Is he a frustrated player? Was his career, perhaps at professional level, thwarted? It’s worth digging beyond the behaviour, because all behaviour is communication. “It’s almost as if he’s so immersed in the game, that he’s angry with himself,” said Fuller. “It’s so loaded with emotion. What is it that’s so important that he has to behave in this way? Does he feel that he can really affect the outcome of the match? I’d question that because being shouted at doesn’t motivate people.”

Can he, in a calmer moment, practise putting himself in the shoes of others? If this sort of behaviour was ever aimed at him, can he remember what it felt like? Can he imagine what it feels like for others?

Pick your moment to try to discuss all this with him. Being truly competitive doesn’t have to mean behaving in this way, it’s not sportsmanlike. My podcast on projection may be worth a listen to try to work out what exactly is being projected on to these football matches.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.