I’m 18 and have been at university for a few months. Being here has made me realise certain things about myself, including my struggle to desire a relationship. I’ve never been in one and don’t believe I’ve ever been physically or sexually attracted to anyone. I know I am still young, but I’m worried this will never change. Since going to uni, I’ve been around friends and others experiencing intimate relationships or discussing feelings which I can’t relate to or understand. I believe I am straight, but then again, as I haven’t felt anything towards the opposite sex, I have questioned that.
I am quite an anxious person, have often felt quite out of place in social situations, especially the last few years, and wonder if this is all linked. One of my biggest goals in life is to have children, and I’m worried it may be hard due to how I’m feeling.
First, well done for making the transition from secondary school and home (it sounds like you have left home) to university. I wonder what it is about being at university, rather than at school, that has made you think about this? Going out into the world for the first time is a giant step and I think the impact is underrated, but it’s also a time of immense growth as you really start to see who you are.
I went to UKCP registered psychotherapist Duncan Branley, who wondered if you’d “felt drawn to others in a non-sexual way? You say you’ve been around ‘friends and others’, but don’t relate to the feelings they express. There may be cultural or familial influences restricting what you consider ‘intimate relationships’ to be.” Branley wondered if you found “relationships in books and films understandable or resonant”.
You could be straight, bi, gay, asexual or various other orientations. The life ahead of you may be rich in romantic and sexual exploration, but maybe you’re just not ready yet so all of this feels a bit alien. And that’s OK. It’s not uncommon to try to discover who we are by our interaction with others and how we relate to them. But maybe right now it’s just about finding out who you are in this new landscape.
I understand you’re anxious and that’s not much fun. But you also sound thoughtful, which is wonderful, even if it does at times make you think about things a bit too much.
“It may be,” suggested Branley, “that you think of things differently from the people you’ve met so far in your life. Not everyone feels about relationships in the same way. The trouble can arise when some of these differences are held to be better than others.”
And this is key. You say you think you’re straight, but you’re not sure. Branley suggested that “keeping things open rather than rushing to a fixed label would help in exploring with genuine curiosity. Perhaps even some reflection on what is broadly called asexuality might foster some recognition? Also, remember that anxiety dampens sex drive for many people, so this may be affecting your own experience of physical desire and arousal, depending on the degree of anxiety.”
I would add the importance of feeling safe. It’s very hard to feel anything if we don’t feel safe, because we are concentrating on “survival” – even if it’s soft survival of the everyday sort.
Is there a counsellor you could talk to at university? I know it sounds trite, but even one conversation with the right person can do much to defuse worry – it won’t take it away, but it can give one perspective. As for wanting children – there’s really plenty of time, and Branley points out there are many ways now “to have and raise children”. “Some routes may indeed seem harder but that needn’t preclude the possibility.”
Right now, concentrate on you, thinking about what makes you feel good, what makes you feel safe. Be curious with yourself, but also patient. The world is just starting to open up for you.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
