For years, it has fallen to me and my sister to take my mother on holiday. Now, she has a big birthday coming up and wants me to arrange a trip abroad. I have three other siblings, who have never taken her on holiday, so to prod them into action I spoke with one of my brothers, who expressed disbelief at my mum’s request and told me I was a fool for going along with it.
I can’t decide if he’s being mean (our father died a few years ago and she doesn’t have friends to go with) or if I am the fool in the family. I have young kids and a tight budget, but our holiday has to be arranged to suit “Granny”, so it ends up being a less adventurous, more expensive trip than my siblings take with their kids.
A little part of me is wondering if my mum is playing me for a softie and not making demands on my siblings because she knows I’ll cave.
Related to all this, there’s a wild inequality to the inheritance that’s being left, with the lion’s share going to my eldest brother. Mum has also helped out with his children over the years, but always refused to look after mine even for an evening.
I try to accept this, as I don’t want a schism in the family and I know if I complain, my siblings and my mother will get angry. But I’m starting to think my brother is right: I am a fool and I need to come up with some excuse to get out of this latest holiday demand.
I don’t think there’s anything foolish about being kind, but it has to be with boundaries. Clearly, these, and a sense of fairness, are lacking in your family.
You’re right to be angry with your mother, who doesn’t seem to treat you all fairly. But your brothers/siblings would be in for the lion’s share of my rage. Instead of being grateful for all you do for the woman who is, after all, their mother too, and perhaps even offering to pitch in, they berate you as a “fool”? Not on.
You say you don’t want a schism in the family, but there already is one and you are the bridge that is stopping it widening. Before you snap, it’s time to take stock.
I went to UK Council for Psychotherapy-registered psychotherapist Prof Hannah Sherbersky, who noted societal expectations of daughters v sons, before adding: “But you do have agency and you’re making a choice about being there with your mum, and this is a wonderful thing. Your siblings are missing out on that connection, but you talk as if you’re being fooled. I wonder if you can lean into it … What if you are not being hoodwinked, rather it’s a wonderful act of generosity on your part, providing some special memories for your mum?”
That said, for your own mental and physical health you should set boundaries. If you could change one thing about this scenario, what might that be? Is it the financial burden, the unfairness, being more appreciated? How much of a “fool” did you feel before your brother said something?
There’s nothing wrong with asserting your needs and letting others deal with the fallout, so long as you can deal with it yourself. The key here is to find the sweet spot that assuages any guilt, addresses a sense of duty, but also takes into account what you want to do. So it may be missing this year’s holiday, but planning the next with a firm, “I can’t this year, but let’s look at 2027.”
If you can find this spot, you can minimise criticism (because it won’t bother you so much) and then you won’t need excuses because you’ll be leading from the front.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.
